No, I did not mean “a hole in my heart.” I meant “soul.” To some that may sound like I am purporting a new doctrine or spiritual concept but I assure you that is not the case. I am not trying to be clever and I do not mean to be overly dramatic.
You see, this Christmas there is an entire group of people in your church or community who resonate with this statement. They may define it with different words but they understand this concept. They are a fellowship of people bound by grief. They did not ask to join and they do not want the group to expand.
Who makes up this “society” with a full heart yet a “hole in their soul?” -- They are the people who have lost a child to death. It is not enough to say they miss the son or daughter or even that their heart aches…The only way to express the pain is to expose the " hole in their soul."
As a father who is approaching the 7 year, 10 month anniversary of that separation from my precious daughter, I can tell you that the “hole” does not heal because time has passed. A part of you is perpetually missing. So I would like to challenge you this Christmas to be sensitive to these hurting in your church or community whether they are rookies or veterans of this painful fellowship.
Every situation is different but here are a few thoughts to consider:
- Everyone grieves differently and needs to be given liberty to do so.
- People think that parents do not want to talk about their child who died but they do.
- Give them space. Offer your help but give them space.
- Get them connected to some books that will help them with grief but don't push.
- Send notes of encouragement, especially relative to the child’s birthday, death day and special holidays.
- One of our great fears is that people will forget our children so find ways to let them know they are not forgotten.
- Realize that everything will now be measured by the day they died. All time is now forever related to “that” time.
- They probably will go through what I call the “tyranny of the first.” For example:
The first Sunday since they died, the first day of a new month, the first time they go to a grocery store, the first time they go to a place the child had been, the first birthday, the first holiday...etc.
I do not mean for this post to be morbid or discouraging: Christmas is a time of giving and perhaps this Christmas you can be used to give hope and encouragement to someone with a “hole in their soul.”
